Sunday, 8 June 2008

old meme, new twist

Stole this from TX Poppet (now in her new digs!) This made the rounds originally as a list from a men's magazine, and people originally posted about their husbands, but now it's mutated into things I can do....

The Rules: Bold the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. Sarcastic comments in parenthesis are encouraged.

  1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (One sentence? Are you kidding? Unless it's something like: Date everyone. Be good. Or Don't Eat the Yellow Snow, the one sentence rule means I'm screwed. I babble on and on and on and on......)
  2. Tell if someone is lying. (My kids? Quake before me. Everyone else? Not so much.)
  3. Take a photo. (I'm pretty proud of the pictures I take, actually. Less thrilling, though, is the way I cannot understand Photoshop.)
  4. Score a baseball game. (Little man slides into home plate. Check.)
  5. Name a book that matters. (Oh, yeah, baby.)
  6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. (Now if you had asked me back in high school I could have written you a dissertation on several groups.)
  7. Not monopolize the conversation. (Me? Monopolize the conversation? I have the bhlaaag for that.)
  8. Write a letter. (Email. Not so good on the postal thing. Ask my mother, who is pretty convinced I'm secretly aphasic and/or going to hell for never writing thank you notes.)
  9. Swim three different strokes. (Isn't that a Billy Squier song? See, that high-school music knowledge coming back to me now....)
  10. Show respect without being a suck-up. (Uh-huh. Your worship.)
  11. Throw a punch. (I can never remember the thumb thing. Is it tuck it inside, or leave it out?)
  12. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (I can pour you a nice glass of wine very well. But I didn't make the wine, so I guess that doesn't work)
  13. Speak a foreign language. (Does High School French count? It really shouldn't...)
  14. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (I've got nothing here. Can I insult the rain in Spain?)
  15. Be loyal. (I am incredibly loyal, to the point of being ludicrous.)
  16. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (I suck at names. Faces I'm pretty good at. Drinks I can nail.)
  17. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (Um, defeat? The first fish I fished for was a catfish. If seeing that slimy bottomfeeder didn't put me off fishing, why would a pole do that??)
  18. Play gin with an old guy. (I can!)
  19. Play go fish with a kid. (I do. (big sigh) I have also committed the Stupid Sin of buying Candyland. But I think I have 'lost' enough pieces now so that I can make a case to toss the damned thing.)
  20. Feign interest. (My kid loves Dora. 'Nuff said.)
  21. Make a bed. (Prettily. And teach my husband to make it as well.)
  22. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. ( I can! And I can look knowledgeable and wave the cork under my nose too.)
  23. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. (I can also change the filters, unstick a valve and tie something down on top so it won't fly away.)
  24. Make three different bets at a craps table. (I don't understand many card games. I never learned to play poker, so that basic knowledge just isn't there.)
  25. Shuffle a deck of cards. (No fancy tricks, but...yes.)
  26. Tell a joke. (A man and a collie walk into a bar....)
  27. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. (Not a clue.)
  28. Speak to an eight-year-old so he/she will hear. (Damn, I hope so.)
  29. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. (Wait. Is he deaf? Is this a trick question?)
  30. Talk to a dog so it will hear. (Wait. Is he deaf? Is this a trick question?)
  31. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. (I don’t do wiring, period. Plumbing, yes. Painting, yes. Electricity? unh-uh.
  32. Ask for help. (And read the manual, and find the right tool to install it with.)
  33. Break another man’s grip on my wrist.( Prolly not. I can scream and bash him in the head with my (heavy) handbag, though.)
  34. Tell a woman’s dress size. (I'm better at men's sizing than womens, despite years of retail.)
  35. Recite one poem from memory. ( I think that I shall never see....)
  36. Remove a stain. (The Boy is in Grade Primary. They play soccer a lot. Grass stains and I are fighting looong battles.)
  37. Say no. ( To what? That? well, yeah....)
  38. Fry an egg sunny-side up.(Not often, but yes. Plain eggs don't get on the menu much here. )
  39. Build a campfire. ( I was a Girl Scout.)
  40. Step into a job no one wants to do. (Official Vomit and Poop Cleaner, right here!)
  41. Sometimes, kick some ass. (Yeah. Because walking softly and carrying a big stick doesn't always work)
  42. Break up a fight.
  43. Point to the North at any time. (Seriously? Is there a trick to that? I have no idea.)
  44. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (Not since high school.)
  45. Explain what a light-year is. (I like getting all science geeky with the boy, who has a sponge like brain for that sort of stuff.)
  46. Write a thank-you note. (I'm lazy. A slob. Rude to the point of...rudeness. I just don't write thank you notes. I loved your present, I did, and when I called to tell you I did, could you not hear it in my voice?)
  47. Be brand loyal to at least one product. (Oh, at least one.)
  48. Find his/her way out of the woods if lost. (Probably. And I have good, well-developed lungs if I can't.)
  49. Tie a knot. (See the rabbit? Now where does he run?)
  50. Shake hands. ( Firmly. Looking the person in the eye.)
Considering this meme's origins, I just might make someone a good husband someday......

Too bad I'm already a wife.


Suzanne said...

Oh, I am sooooo borrowing this. Thank you! (interestingly enough, my experience with car stuff came into the blog today!)

coastrat said...

Yeah, I can install a disposal, thermostat and lighting fixture; that's what I do during the weekday part of my life, among other things...

And, yes, you would make someone a good husband (of wife!) - lucky him!

Stomper Girl said...

I reckon any punch I threw would be laughable but I do know the thumb thing because Fixit told me. If your thumb is inside it can get broken by the surrounding other fingers. Punch with your thumb OUT!!

You're welcome.

womaninawindow said...

Boy, I'm feeling a little failed as a husband...grateful my husband does all right with it...

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Thumb out.

That's pretty much the only one I know.

Sarah Louise said...

I totally suck at any kind of advice. I can tell you what book you should read, though, for just about any situation.

It's a good thing I'm not anybody's husband or wife.