old meme, new twist

Stole this from TX Poppet (now in her new digs!) This made the rounds originally as a list from a men's magazine, and people originally posted about their husbands, but now it's mutated into things I can do....

The Rules: Bold the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. Sarcastic comments in parenthesis are encouraged.

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1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (One sentence? Are you kidding? Unless it's something like: Date everyone. Be good. Or Don't Eat the Yellow Snow, the one sentence rule means I'm screwed. I babble on and on and on and on......)
   
2. Tell if someone is lying. (My kids? Quake before me. Everyone else? Not so much.)
3. Take a photo. (I'm pretty proud of the pictures I take, actually. Less thrilling, though, is the way I cannot understand Photoshop.)
4. Score a baseball game. (Little man slides into home plate. Check.)
5. Name a book that matters. (Oh, yeah, baby.)
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. (Now if you had asked me back in high school I could have written you a dissertation on several groups.)
7. Not monopolize the conversation. (Me? Monopolize the conversation? I have the bhlaaag for that.)
   
8. Write a letter. (Email. Not so good on the postal thing. Ask my mother, who is pretty convinced I'm secretly aphasic and/or going to hell for never writing thank you notes.)
9. Swim three different strokes. (Isn't that a Billy Squier song? See, that high-school music knowledge coming back to me now....)
10. Show respect without being a suck-up. (Uh-huh. Your worship.)
    
11. Throw a punch. (I can never remember the thumb thing. Is it tuck it inside, or leave it out?)
12. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (I can pour you a nice glass of wine very well. But I didn't make the wine, so I guess that doesn't work)
13. Speak a foreign language. (Does High School French count? It really shouldn't...)
14. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (I've got nothing here. Can I insult the rain in Spain?)
15. Be loyal. (I am incredibly loyal, to the point of being ludicrous.)
16. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (I suck at names. Faces I'm pretty good at. Drinks I can nail.)
17. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (Um, defeat? The first fish I fished for was a catfish. If seeing that slimy bottomfeeder didn't put me off fishing, why would a pole do that??)
18. Play gin with an old guy. (I can!)
19. Play go fish with a kid. (I do. (big sigh) I have also committed the Stupid Sin of buying Candyland. But I think I have 'lost' enough pieces now so that I can make a case to toss the damned thing.)
    
20. Feign interest. (My kid loves Dora. 'Nuff said.)
21. Make a bed. (Prettily. And teach my husband to make it as well.)
22. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. ( I can! And I can look knowledgeable and wave the cork under my nose too.)
23. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. (I can also change the filters, unstick a valve and tie something down on top so it won't fly away.)
    
24. Make three different bets at a craps table. (I don't understand many card games. I never learned to play poker, so that basic knowledge just isn't there.)
25. Shuffle a deck of cards. (No fancy tricks, but...yes.)
26. Tell a joke. (A man and a collie walk into a bar....)
27. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. (Not a clue.)
28. Speak to an eight-year-old so he/she will hear. (Damn, I hope so.)
    
29. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. (Wait. Is he deaf? Is this a trick question?)
30. Talk to a dog so it will hear. (Wait. Is he deaf? Is this a trick question?)
31. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. (I don’t do wiring, period. Plumbing, yes. Painting, yes. Electricity? unh-uh.
32. Ask for help. (And read the manual, and find the right tool to install it with.)
33. Break another man’s grip on my wrist.( Prolly not. I can scream and bash him in the head with my (heavy) handbag, though.)
34. Tell a woman’s dress size. (I'm better at men's sizing than womens, despite years of retail.)
35. Recite one poem from memory. ( I think that I shall never see....)
36. Remove a stain. (The Boy is in Grade Primary. They play soccer a lot. Grass stains and I are fighting looong battles.)
37. Say no. ( To what? That? well, yeah....)
38. Fry an egg sunny-side up.(Not often, but yes. Plain eggs don't get on the menu much here. )
39. Build a campfire. ( I was a Girl Scout.)
40. Step into a job no one wants to do. (Official Vomit and Poop Cleaner, right here!)
41. Sometimes, kick some ass. (Yeah. Because walking softly and carrying a big stick doesn't always work)
42. Break up a fight.
    
43. Point to the North at any time. (Seriously? Is there a trick to that? I have no idea.)
44. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (Not since high school.)
45. Explain what a light-year is. (I like getting all science geeky with the boy, who has a sponge like brain for that sort of stuff.)
    
46. Write a thank-you note. (I'm lazy. A slob. Rude to the point of...rudeness. I just don't write thank you notes. I loved your present, I did, and when I called to tell you I did, could you not hear it in my voice?)
47. Be brand loyal to at least one product. (Oh, at least one.)
48. Find his/her way out of the woods if lost. (Probably. And I have good, well-developed lungs if I can't.)
49. Tie a knot. (See the rabbit? Now where does he run?)
50. Shake hands. ( Firmly. Looking the person in the eye.)

Considering this meme's origins, I just might make someone a good husband someday......

Too bad I'm already a wife.