Saturday, January 5, 2008

25 things that shit me to tears

I love all-consuming. Kim has a great wit. And because today was a bloody-nose, Mom-he-kicked-me (Did NOT!) sort of day, I give you this list of things I hate:

1. Dying house plants.
2. People who careen down the expressway in those new-fangled cars that come without turn signals.
3. Lunching with people who feel it is their duty to give a tip even when ignored the entire lunch not given adequate service. I don't need you to fawn over me, but a glass of water when I've asked three times would be nice. Oh, and a fork without spots.
4. Rough feet, my own or someone else's. Pumice yer hooves, would you?
5. Most flavoured teas. Tea is tea. Tea is not supposed to make your tastebuds think you're swallowing strangely liquefied apples and cinnamon, or worse yet - almonds. Blackberry tea is dreck.*
6. People assuming that since I'm from America I probably know their cousin Leroy in outer WallaWalla.
7. The last two inches of coke-colored water in the bottom of a big frosty glass.
8. Half-finished cups of milk left on the edge of the sink. (Although Jasper, our beginning-to-be-portly and constantly milk-mustached Lab? Thinks it's awesome.)
9. The smell of the bathroom garbage. (R drops her nighttime pull-ups in there)
10. Recycling. Yah, yah, important, and good for the earth, but jesus wept boring. And you can report me if you like, but I don't wash out my soup cans before I tuck them in their proper bag. I'll be damned if I'm going to wash my garbage.
11. The way the dishes never seem to be done. Even when I run a load and put them away, there are always more.
12. People who drive too slowly for safety, even in bad weather conditions.
13. No-fat salad dressings.
14. Women who say airily "Oh, I never eat chocolate." These are not humans and should be avoided at all costs.
15.Casual tattooing.**
16. Automated telephone menus. I just keep hitting '0'.
17. The way U.S. politicians recoil in horror over the idea of socialized medicine. I'm not going to lie: I pay a large boatload of taxes. But any time my children are ill, I can take them to the doctor. And I don't have to worry about a co-pay. Anything's better than this.
18. How finding most of the shows I think are funny has become a huge search-and-find mission - is my sense of humour so out of step?
19. Canned soup.
20. School-board bickering.
21. Trying to find lost mittens. Every morning.
22. Makeup that smears. Or wears off. Or fades unevenly. Or sparkles.
23. Cookies that taste of baking-soda. Expensive bakery cookies. There's a special level of hell for those who don't get the cookies right.
24. The way I've had to explain to my six-year old what terrorists are. He's not stupid. He sees CNN. And the three days of nightmares afterwards.
25. Old women who bathe in strong perfume.


I could go on.....hey, if tomorrow is a good day, maybe I'll do blackbird's 25 things I never get tired of list!



*While we're on teas? Green tea is shit. If I wanted to drink rubbery-tasting hot grass I'm sure I could find it in the yard.

**Tattoos are fine. But there seems to be a growing feeling that six or seven is a good number, all over your body.

14 comments:

Serendipity, baby! said...

Me and my blueberry tea are going to call you out on #5. Seriously, this stuff is awesome, and caffeine free which is good for a preggo. It's a way to get up my water intake without drinking it just straight (which somehow is highly unappetizing with my friend Mr. Nausea) Also, I love, love, love green tea. Just a dab of honey makes it even better.

We both seem to have a baking soda curse of late - me being told it was cornstarch and applying it to drippings for undercooked Christmas hens, and you with the cookies. When will people learn baking soda is for CLEANING and not CONSUMING. Gah.

Stomper Girl said...

I'm so with you on the tea thing. But I don't mind a bit of sparkly make-up i must admit.

TX Poppet said...

Your take on recycling? Laugh out loud briliant! Oh, and I don't trust people who drink Sn*pple flavored teas. I believe it's indicative of a majjor charachter flaw.

TX Poppet said...

Unlike typos which indicate brilliance.

M&Co. said...

Sorry you are having a rough day. I've had a few of these lately myself.

twolimeleaves said...

GAGGING with laughter here!! This list is sheer brilliance (mostly because I agree with you!)

kurrabikid said...

Yes! The tea! So few qualify of those herbal/fruity concoctions qualify as drinkable. I too adore Allconsuming. She is one clever cookie.

Kim said...

makeup that sparkles.

Exactly.

Looking for mittens every single day? That would be our looking for a tennis ball every single day. Faaaaq.

And the recycling - OMG - I hear you so loud and clear.
Do you know what I did with all our paper recycling today - the massive pile everyone else seemingly can't see in the laundry? I THREW it all over the kitchen floor.

I am such a grown up.

blackbird said...

I am guilty of several of these - though I won't tell you which ones.

I am now inspired.

angelfeet said...

I so so agree with you on so many of those points, especially # 14. And lost mittens/lost lunch bags/mislaid spellings due for test tomorrow/hairbrush . . . aaargh!!!!

meggie said...

Great list!! I could add, but wont. Might do my own...

Suse said...

Wait. You guys have cars WITHOUT TURNING INDICATORS?

HOLY SHIT. (ooh sorry, forgot to turn off the shouting capslock).

Off to pumice my hooves.

Jeanne said...

Or people who figure that just because you are from Ontario, that you come from Toronto.

I love tea, all kinds of tea, flavoured, unflavoured... :)

Chocolate? It has to be dark chocolate... I personally can't understand how anyone can like milk chocolate, the stuff is so sweet. So technically, I could understand a woman saying she doesn't eat the stuff. As a kid I disliked chocolate because all anyone gives you is that milk chocolate stuff. That changed when I discovered dark chocolate.

Elizabeth said...

Loved this!
Particularly with you on the recycling, slow drivers, non signalling ones, perfuming, dishes and especially bakery cookies that are utter crap. How can this be?
I'm not mentioning the rough feet (cough)